Tuesday, September 15, 2009

1000 Year Old Virgin One-Shot

1000 Year Old Virgin One-Shot

A/N: I know some of you guys are totally ticked, but I can explain. Having serious writers block for both stories, so they are currently on hiatus till I get a clue. Found inspiration from a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill & 40 Year Old Virgin. It's actually a one-shot from a story I'm trying to cultivate which would be called 1000 Year Old Virgin. It would be a Twilight/SVM crossover. Yep I became a Twi-head during my hiatus from writing. I highly recommend checking them out, you will be surprised by the authors of some of these original tales. This outtake is from the scene where Jasper, Emmett, and Sam are playing video games in Eric's apartment. For those who have seen the movie, you kinda get the idea where this is going, for those who haven't be very aware some of the banter is not for the faint of heart. Enjoy!!!

Rated M for Extremely Vulgar & Explicit Language.

“What are you guys doing here?” Eric exclaims. He was actually trying to enjoy his night off, and stay away from his fellow co-workers from Bloody-Tech. Ever since that poker game and they discovered he was a virgin after 1000 years they have been coming up with schemes trying to get him laid. Yet, he still remembers what his mother told him,

“To share your body with someone you love, is more important than sharing it with someone you only lust for. For in the end, you will still feel empty.”

He admired his mother, and the fact that his father helped create 11 children, with him only being the only boy, said a lot. Which is why he never sought out women. Even his maker would try and encourage him to have sex with his meals, yet he couldn't do it. It was thought after a human became vampire, his wants and desires transfers over. In his case, it did. Centuries upon centuries his true heart desire, never came forth. So he developed hobbies. Eric was a serious collector, yet in the most recent years he is what most people would call a geek, nerd, or even a spaz. Yet, women still flocked to him, because he was an incredibly good looking vampire. Extremely tall, 6'5 long blond hair, broad shoulders, very muscular. Eric is what you would call a sensitive soul, very quiet and shy, but most of all still a virgin. Which is why he guess his co-workers are here for a visit. Mission: Get Eric's Cherry Popped!!

“Well since we never been to your apartment before, we figure what the fuck” Emmett huge muscular frame bounded in through the door, followed by Jasper a lean Texan, and Sam an average height Louisianian.

“Hey guys I was just trying to enjoy a nice quiet evening.” Eric tried to convey, pleading rather, but failing.

Jasper and Emmett found too gaming chairs in the front room.

“Holy shit, you are the man Eric!” Jasper hoots.

They both scramble for the chairs, and fall in love with the big screen LCD as it lights up the boxing game.

Sam sat on the opposite end of the two watching how Emmett's character was wailing on Jasper's. Eric told the guys he will be in the kitchen making up refreshments. Once the game was on, Eric might as well became invisible.

“Hey guys I thought we came over here trying to figure out a way for our new best friend with the XBOX 360 & Street Boxing, on how to get pussy?” Sam asked as he saw Jasper's character perform a haymaker on Emmett's.

“OH SHIT!!!” they all said in unison as Emmett's character went down in a bloodied heap.

“My turn” Sam said as he reached for Emmett's controller. Emmett pulled back, almost snarling,

“Fuck no, I didnt say I was done!”

“Man stop being a little bitch and hand it over.” Sam still reaching for the controller.

“I got something you can play with instead Sam, my left nut” Emmett snickered.

“Eww..man that sounded kinda gay.” Sam turning up his nose to that comment.

“I'm not gay!” Emmett spouted louded.

Emmett: You know why you're so gay?

Sam: Why?

Emmett: Because you like the Jonas Brothers.

Jasper: You wanna know why ya'll so gay?

Emmett & Sam: Why?

Jasper: Because ya'll jerk off to the Jonas Brothers.

Sam: You wanna know why you so gay Jasper?

Jasper: Why?

Sam: You are still a member of the Boy George fan club.

Emmett: Sam you wanna know why you are so gay?

Sam: Why?

Emmett: Because you rented E.T. and thought it stood for Extra Testicle.

Jasper: You wanna know why you so gay Sam?

Sam: Why?

Jasper: You still get a boner for George Michael.

Sam: You wanna know why you are so gay, Jasper?

Jasper: Why?

Sam: Because you were the guy that was caught sucking him off in the men's bathroom.

Emmett: {snorts}

Sam: You wanna know why you are so gay Emmett?

Emmett: Why?

Sam: You thought the movie Trainspotting was a gay gangbang flick.

Emmett: You wanna know why you are so gay Sam?

Sam: Why?

Emmett: Because you were the one getting a train ran on in the movie, ya sick fuck!

Eric storms in, getting quite disgusted by this banter.

Eric: You wanna know why all three of you are gay?

Emmett/Sam/Jasper: Why?

Eric: Instead of you guys actually going out on the town on a Friday night looking for poon tangs, as you call it. You are here, playing video games, and arguing who in the fuck is the gayest!!!

Emmett/Sam/Jasper: Yeah that is pretty gay.

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